Here's the messiah you've been waiting for.
The first position is already taken by a young thing named Bourbon.
In the last couple of days the following quotes have been brought to my attention:
• “Where can I pick up an application for the job of holding Alex Balk while he cries?”
• “Alex Balk is the second coming of Ryan Adams.”
• “Alex Balk is a voice of reason in our times of chaos and confusion.”
I’d like to act all self-deprecating and embarrassed, but, you know what? It’s all true. (Well, except for the Ryan Adams thing, which is just off-putting.) From now on I will be your God. Worship only unto me and you will be rewarded. Also, send bourbon.