Your Annual Guide To Holiday Romance
It’s that time of year (again) when even the most independent of lads can get a little desperate for more companionship than one can find in the bottom of a bottle of Jameson’s Irish Whiskey. If I thought it would make any difference, I’d tell you that you should avoid becoming involved with the lasses during this season. It’s just too dangerous, and will almost certainly lead to disaster. But it wouldn’t make a difference. These winter nights are too long and too cold to avoid the urge to spend them with someone shorter and warmer.
So, instead, I offer you this guide to holiday romance.
1. Avoid any girl who has lots of overly-enthusiastic followers on tumblr. She’s an attention whore.
2. Avoid dating a girl just because she is your favorite bartender. Where are you going to drink when you want to forget her?
3. Avoid girl who tells you she she is on a cleanse. She hates herself.
4. Avoid Kirsten Dunst. She’s a walking time-bomb.
5. Avoid any girl who frequently blog about her sex life. You know how that one goes.
6. Avoid any girl who works for a Hearst magazine. She’s about to lose her job and you’ll have to pay for everything.
7. Avoid any girl who really likes girls who blog about their sex lives. She’s just too lazy to ruin your name right now. She’ll find a way later.
8. Avoid any girl who ever mentions The Box or Beatrice Inn. She has herpes and just wants your for your cocaine.
9. Avoid any beautiful girl who wears ugly glasses. She thinks she’s in a romantic comedy for teens.
10. Avoid any girl who follows you on twitter. She’s already stalking you.
11. Avoid any girl who smells too nice all the time. There’s something strange happening.
12. Avoid any girl who smokes heavier cigarettes than you. You’re already her bitch.
13. Avoid any girl who is a DJ. She’ll make you listen to her terrible music.
14. Avoid any girl who didn’t like “Once.” She’s dead inside.
15. Avoid girls whose clothes are all retro, period costumes. Just trust me on this.
16. Avoid ballerinas. She’s too flexible and you’ll just wind up hurting yourself.
17. Avoid any girl with more tattoos than you. She’ll never respect you.
18. Avoid any girl who is still angry because her last boyfriend cheated on her. You’ll cheat on her too.
19. Avoid any girl who lives within two blocks of you. It’s too soon for that kind of proximity.
20. Avoid any girl you meet in the basement of Lit. That’s also Kirstin Dunst.
21. Avoid any girl with tattoos in Chinese. Unless, of course, she’s from China.
22. Avoid any girl who drives in NYC. She’s already proven she’s a nutcase.
23. Avoid any girl you meet in the bar where you and your friends are watching a game. She thinks she’s figured out guys. She hasn’t. She’ll fuck everything up all the while thinking she’s very clever about men.
24. Avoid any girl who wears jewelry given to her by her ex-boyfriend on your first date. She is still in love with him, and only him, and will still be wondering why no-one else ever gives her anything nice when she’s living with six cats and getting her meals on wheels.
25. Avoid any girl who tells you she hates her ex-boyfriend. She hates herself.
26. Avoid any girl with a bad haircut. She spends enormous amounts of time and money on her hair and if it is still fucked, she’s incurable.
27. Avoid any girl with poor hygiene or too much hair where too much hair doesn’t belong on women. If you ever attempt to help her out on this score, she’ll hate you for it. And then she’ll take all your advice and look great for the next guy she sleeps with.
28. Avoid any girl who is “microfamous.” Her name is Julia Allison and you’ll end up on Gawker.
29. Avoid any girl who has done speed dating, match.com or j-date. She’s got commitment issues, and since you’re an emotionally unavailable alcoholic, neither of you will ever call each other.
30. Avoid any girl on anti-psychotics. She’ll go off her meds one day and plant a corkscrew in your ribcage.
31. Avoid any girl who has dated a website founder. That’s also Julia Allison and you’ll end up on Gawker.
32. Avoid any girl who has rules or tests for men she dates. She should be on anti-psychotics.
33. Avoid any girl who doesn’t drink. Do I need to say anything else here?
34. Avoid any girl who is really, really into tanning. You’ll end up on Hot Girls and Douchebags.
35. Avoid any girl who won’t make out with you in a taxi. She lacks a properly functioning sexual instinct.
36. Avoid any girl whose best friend just got dumped by her boyfriend. Together they are a committee of manhaters and you are the next target for hate.
37. Avoid any girl who tells you she thinks she feels a spark between the two of you. Her mind is trapped in a Sweet Valley High novel.
38. Avoid any girl who talks about her father on her first date. She’ll demand you spend the night at her place but will only want to cuddle.
39. Avoid any girl who won’t kiss you if your breath smells like whiskey. She has oral-purity issues that are undesirable.
40. Avoid any girl who wants to monopolize your time on New Year’s Eve. The night is too wrought with emotions and memories. Spend time with as many different people as possible or else stay home and alternate heroin and absinthe until you pass out at twenty till midnight. Also, she’s probably on ritalin and won’t share it.
41. Avoid any girl who won’t wear a skirt in winter. The winter is too long as it is without having to do without legs. You’ll end up in the stairwell of a Christmas party making out with a girl in skirt.
42. Avoid any girl who cries when she’s drunk. Her self-pity will destroy you.
43. Avoid any girl who you think looks even hotter when she is miserable. You will destroy each other.
44. Avoid any girl who tries to come off as more emotionally unavailable and cavalier about relationships than you are. She’s secretly a tightly wound bundle of need.
45. Avoid any girl you’ve dated before. Pace Friedrich, if the first time is tragedy, the second time will just be worse.
46. Avoid any girl in a headband. She’s a slave to fashion and will try to make you use expensive hair-products.
47. Avoid any girl you meet at Cocaine Anonymous. She won’t do drugs with you.
48. Avoid any girl who you never found attractive before but suddenly looks hot. You’re drunk.
49. Avoid any girl who tells you she wasn’t interested in you when you first met but has now developed feelings for you. She’s just been dumped and is desperate.
50. Avoid any girl who buys you shoes for Christmas. You will return them for ones you like and she’ll hate you forever.
52. Avoid any girl you meet at an office party. She is your boss’s wife and wants to hurt him.
53. Avoid any girl who knows the names of all the bartenders in more than four bars. She’s out of your league.
54. Avoid any girl you meet near the Conde Nast building. She’s writing a book and you are going to be in it if you don’t watch out.
Bonus Round: Avoid any girl who tells you that you are emotionally unavailable. She’s got your number.
[Apologies to the obvious candidates. You know who you are.]