(My favorite part about these lists is the response they provoke. This is the best one so far.)
johncarney:
A response:
1. Avoid any guy who follows the attention whores on Tumblr. He interprets their acceptance of his adulation as genuine interest.
2. Avoid dating a guy who lusts after bartenders. He just wants a girl who’ll serve him beer with her tits out.
3. Avoid a guy who tells you he likes a girl with a big appetite. He’s planning on using it against you when he gets fat.
4. Avoid Jeremy Piven. He likes the smell of his own shit too much.
5. Avoid any guy who blogs. About anything. I mean, come on.
6. Avoid any guy who works in finance. He’ll lose his identity along with his job.
7. Avoid any guy who really likes guys who blog about their perceived success with women. He’s too lazy to be the star of his own imaginary Judd Apatow bromedy, but still believes in the dream.
8. Avoid any guy who hits up the current hipster haunts. He’d still fuck Lindsay Lohan.
9. Avoid any guy who seeks abuse from beautiful girls in ugly glasses. He thinks he’s Duckie.
10. Avoid any guy who claims he’s had a stalker. He’s afraid of women.
11. Avoid any guy who notices your scent. He’s in love with his mother.
12. Avoid any guy who drinks scotch. He’s obsessed with the size of his penis. And he’s in love with his father.
13. Avoid any guy who likes to cook. He’ll never shut up about his expertise with basic dishes you mastered when you were eight.
14. Carney, you can have this one.
15. Avoid guys who accessorize. They are judging your style at all times.
16. Avoid athletes. They will only want to fuck in front of a mirror.
17. Avoid any guy with no tattoos. He will stub his toe and act like his left arm was amputated without anesthetic.
18. Avoid any guy who was cheated on at any point in his life. He hates women.
19. Avoid any guy who lives across the city from you. He will use that as an excuse not to come see you.
20. Avoid any guy you met at a mercury poisoning support group. That’s Jeremy Piven and he’s trying to get out of another role that reveals his inability to act.
21. Avoid any guy with a tattoo of a quotation from literature. He’s a suicide case.
22. Avoid any guy who takes cabs instead of walking. He’ll send you to bankruptcy.
23. Avoid any guy you meet who encourages you to empower yourself by pursuing what you love. He thinks he’s got women figured out but he’s still hoping what you love is pole dancing classes.
24. Avoid any guy who thinks that women who don’t get married end up with six cats and their meals delivered on wheels. He probably also thinks that men who don’t get married live like George Clooney.
25. Avoid any guy who tells you his ex-girlfriend was a bitch. He hates himself.
26. Avoid any guy who uses hair products. He’ll steal yours.
27. Avoid any guy who has opinions on the appropriate amounts and locations of hair on women. He subscribes to Maxim.
28. Avoid any guy who has or has ever had any aspirations toward fame. He hasn’t given them up and will leave you to pursue his music.
29. Avoid any guy who says he would never use an dating service. He has a higher than proportionate estimation of himself.
30. Avoid any guy who equates any mood change with a mood disorder. You’ll spend your days fantasizing about planting a corkscrew in his ribcage.
31. Avoid any guy who is a website founder. He wets the bed.
32. Avoid any guy who thinks women are walking, breathing Cosmo quizzes. He will think that the answer to everything is anti-psychotics.
33. Avoid any guy who drinks every night. You won’t fill the empty void any more than the beer does.
34. Avoid any guy who has ever been in a tanning bed. Obviously.
35. Avoid any guy who gropes you excessively in public. He watches too much porn.
36. Avoid any guy who knows a guy who has ever been wronged by a woman. He hates women by proxy.
37. Avoid any guy who says he feels a spark between the two of you. He thinks that is the key to getting laid on the first date.
38. Avoid any guy who talks about his mother on the first date. Your cooking, cleaning, and mothering skills will never be on par with hers.
39. Avoid any guy who smells like whiskey. Refer to number 12.
40. Avoid any guy who won’t commit to spending time with you on New Year’s Eve. He thinks it means he’s giving up his freedom for eternity and will obsess about the death of his options until he cheats on you.
41. Avoid any guy who would put his need to see your legs before your need to be warm. He’ll smack you around if the fight gets intense.
42. Avoid any guy who thinks he’s hilarious when he’s drunk. He will embarrass you in front of your parents, your friends and your boss.
43. Avoid any guy who thinks he’s hotter when he’s brooding. He’ll treat you like shit.
44. Avoid any guy who tells you immediately that he has a fear of commitment. He thinks he’s so desirable that every woman who meets him wants to settle down with him, so much so that it warrants a phobia. You will hate him by month two.
45. Avoid any guy you’ve dated before. You dumped him for a reason and he’s full of self loathing now that he realizes how limited his options actually are.
46. Avoid any guy who wears sunglasses inside. His perception of cool is the same today as it was in high school.
47. Avoid any guy who reminisces about the days when he did cocaine. He thinks he’s a character in a Bret Easton Ellis novel.
48. Avoid any guy you were never interested in but now could see yourself fucking. You’re drunk. (What?! That works both ways?!?)
49. Avoid any guy who tells you he wasn’t interested in dating you before but now is. He thought he was out of your league, attempted to pick up a girl he thought was more suitable, and got shot down. He’s seen too many Judd Apatow movies.
50. Avoid any guy who buys you lingerie for Christmas. He’s a selfish, shallow prick.
52. Avoid any guy you met at an office Christmas party. He’s married.
53. Seriously? There are only fifty-two weeks in a year, Carney.