Dear John,
Would you like to go out on New Year’s Eve? I know we don’t really know one another, but I follow you on twitter and I really feel a spark between us. And, yeah, I’m recovering from a bad break up (he cheated on me, dirty motherfucker) but with the right combination of Seroquel and emo-blogging about his sorry ass and pathetic lovemaking skills I think I’d be fit to date you in no time!
xoxo,
[Redacted]
If you’re going to pop pills, pop pills. Drinks are made for drinking.
“The new technique can solidify any kind of alcohol, including whisky, cognac, wine and beer. ‘Dry’ vodka can be wrapped in paper and carried around in a pocket or a bag. Vodka in form of a pill would come handy at parties when “consumers” would be able to calculate their exact required dosage.”
Anyway if you click here you can read about Swedish hockey players and evil private equity overlords and my lesbian crush on a ski instructor named Jenny.
This is an amazing article.
My good friend Melissa Lafsky put together her own “holiday dating guide.”
Here you go:
1. Avoid any guy who lists “blogger” on his resume. The reasons to do this are too numerous to list.
2. Avoid any guy who starts a sentence with “If you Google me…”
3. Avoid any guy who quotes Judd Apatow and/or refers to his friends as “my buddies.”
4. Avoid any guy who watches Gossip Girl.
5. Avoid any guy who crashes the office Christmas party. He’s there to bang secretaries. Unless he’s unemployed, in which case he’s there to shmooze, pound free booze, and then bang secretaries.
6. Avoid any guy who is a lawyer. He’s either about to lose his job or desperately wants to, so he can have an excuse to start that baseball card trading business he’s always dreamed of. In the meantime, he will expect you to support him while he “gets back on his feet.”
7. Avoid any guy who keeps old Victoria’s Secret catalogues in his bathroom. Find some respectable Internet porn, for chrissakes.
8. Avoid any guy who saw “The Road” and liked it. He’ll never commit.
9. Avoid any guy who lives on the L train.
10. Avoid any guy with more than 500 followers on Twitter. His virtual ego will be inflated to levels his physical existence can’t match.
11. Avoid any guy who claims not to own a TV. Everyone owns a fucking TV. You may be too broke to pay for cable, but you own a TV.
12. Avoid any guy who drinks gin martinis and sneers at vodka. He’ll be shitty in bed.
13. Avoid any guy who reads Gawker.
14. Avoid any guy who says the same thing over and over, but thinks that if he puts the emphasis on a different word it means he’s right (“It is Ridley Scott’s BEST movie. No, it IS Ridley Scott’s best movie.”)
15. Avoid any guy who tries to be cool by saying Megan Fox “isn’t that hot.” Please. Vaginas don’t cause blindness.
16. Avoid snowboarders. Which won’t be hard, since they won’t be around much this month.
17. Avoid any guy who tweets about his bodily emissions. Particularly while they’re happening.
18. Avoid any guy who has had naked photos of himself posted on Deadspin.
19. Avoid any guy who is the “mayor” of any location on FourSquare.
20. Avoid any guy you meet in the basement of Lit. Or any basement, for that matter.
21. Avoid any guy who puts “gasm” at the end of words. “Dude, that was a total party-gasm” or “man what a throw-gasm by Brady” all apply. (This rule also works for “tard”)
22. Avoid any guy with a bad haircut. Because he looks funny.
23. Avoid any guy who shows any signs of having read ‘The Game.” “My friends all thought you were hot, but I wasn’t so sure” is a clear sign. He’ll be rubbish in bed.
24. Avoid any guy who has more than 10 female numbers programmed into his phone. He plans to inseminate all of them, if he hasn’t already.
25. Avoid any guy who tells you his ex-girlfriend was crazy. He made her that way.
26. Avoid any guy who refers to the Dallas Cowboys as “America’s Team.” Because he is a douche.
27. Avoid any guy who shaves more than 20% of his body surface area.
28. Avoid any guy who is “microfamous.” His name is John Carney.
29. Avoid any guy who has done speed dating, match.com or j-date. He has herpes and carpal tunnel.
30. Avoid any guy who claims to have written, be writing, or aspire to write a novel. Seriously. Fucking run.
31. Avoid any guy who has business cards that say “internet entrepreneur.”
32. Avoid any guy who is into Premier League soccer. He’ll show up at your apartment on a Sunday morning and vomit on your floor.
33. Avoid any guy who checks his power ranking on Mediaite more than once a week.
34. Avoid any guy who brags about spending his unemployment check on vintage Styx records.
35. Avoid any guy who tells you he “really hates condoms.” I really hate periods. God is cruel.
36. Avoid any guy who wears ironic glasses. He thinks he’s the geeky-but-sweet hero in an ’80s movie, and that it’ll get him laid.
37. Avoid any guy who works at Google. Wait, what am I saying - date any and all guys who work at Google. Have you HAD their chili-smoked ribs?
38. Avoid any guy who comments on blogs under the username “John Galt.”
39. Avoid any guy who uses Tom & Jerrys as an office space.
40. Avoid any guys who write lists like this and post them on the Internet. They’re under the delusion that they have a chance with any of the women listed.
Wow. Gawker Media HQ has a totally different vibe since Denton decided to start making writers full time employees.
(via mikehudack:do-nothing:)
(My favorite part about these lists is the response they provoke. This is the best one so far.)
A response:
1. Avoid any guy who follows the attention whores on Tumblr. He interprets their acceptance of his adulation as genuine interest.
2. Avoid dating a guy who lusts after bartenders. He just wants a girl who’ll serve him beer with her tits out.
3. Avoid a guy who tells you he likes a girl with a big appetite. He’s planning on using it against you when he gets fat.
4. Avoid Jeremy Piven. He likes the smell of his own shit too much.
5. Avoid any guy who blogs. About anything. I mean, come on.
6. Avoid any guy who works in finance. He’ll lose his identity along with his job.
7. Avoid any guy who really likes guys who blog about their perceived success with women. He’s too lazy to be the star of his own imaginary Judd Apatow bromedy, but still believes in the dream.
8. Avoid any guy who hits up the current hipster haunts. He’d still fuck Lindsay Lohan.
9. Avoid any guy who seeks abuse from beautiful girls in ugly glasses. He thinks he’s Duckie.
10. Avoid any guy who claims he’s had a stalker. He’s afraid of women.
11. Avoid any guy who notices your scent. He’s in love with his mother.
12. Avoid any guy who drinks scotch. He’s obsessed with the size of his penis. And he’s in love with his father.
13. Avoid any guy who likes to cook. He’ll never shut up about his expertise with basic dishes you mastered when you were eight.
14. Carney, you can have this one.
15. Avoid guys who accessorize. They are judging your style at all times.
16. Avoid athletes. They will only want to fuck in front of a mirror.
17. Avoid any guy with no tattoos. He will stub his toe and act like his left arm was amputated without anesthetic.
18. Avoid any guy who was cheated on at any point in his life. He hates women.
19. Avoid any guy who lives across the city from you. He will use that as an excuse not to come see you.
20. Avoid any guy you met at a mercury poisoning support group. That’s Jeremy Piven and he’s trying to get out of another role that reveals his inability to act.
21. Avoid any guy with a tattoo of a quotation from literature. He’s a suicide case.
22. Avoid any guy who takes cabs instead of walking. He’ll send you to bankruptcy.
23. Avoid any guy you meet who encourages you to empower yourself by pursuing what you love. He thinks he’s got women figured out but he’s still hoping what you love is pole dancing classes.
24. Avoid any guy who thinks that women who don’t get married end up with six cats and their meals delivered on wheels. He probably also thinks that men who don’t get married live like George Clooney.
25. Avoid any guy who tells you his ex-girlfriend was a bitch. He hates himself.
26. Avoid any guy who uses hair products. He’ll steal yours.
27. Avoid any guy who has opinions on the appropriate amounts and locations of hair on women. He subscribes to Maxim.
28. Avoid any guy who has or has ever had any aspirations toward fame. He hasn’t given them up and will leave you to pursue his music.
29. Avoid any guy who says he would never use an dating service. He has a higher than proportionate estimation of himself.
30. Avoid any guy who equates any mood change with a mood disorder. You’ll spend your days fantasizing about planting a corkscrew in his ribcage.
31. Avoid any guy who is a website founder. He wets the bed.
32. Avoid any guy who thinks women are walking, breathing Cosmo quizzes. He will think that the answer to everything is anti-psychotics.
33. Avoid any guy who drinks every night. You won’t fill the empty void any more than the beer does.
34. Avoid any guy who has ever been in a tanning bed. Obviously.
35. Avoid any guy who gropes you excessively in public. He watches too much porn.
36. Avoid any guy who knows a guy who has ever been wronged by a woman. He hates women by proxy.
37. Avoid any guy who says he feels a spark between the two of you. He thinks that is the key to getting laid on the first date.
38. Avoid any guy who talks about his mother on the first date. Your cooking, cleaning, and mothering skills will never be on par with hers.
39. Avoid any guy who smells like whiskey. Refer to number 12.
40. Avoid any guy who won’t commit to spending time with you on New Year’s Eve. He thinks it means he’s giving up his freedom for eternity and will obsess about the death of his options until he cheats on you.
41. Avoid any guy who would put his need to see your legs before your need to be warm. He’ll smack you around if the fight gets intense.
42. Avoid any guy who thinks he’s hilarious when he’s drunk. He will embarrass you in front of your parents, your friends and your boss.
43. Avoid any guy who thinks he’s hotter when he’s brooding. He’ll treat you like shit.
44. Avoid any guy who tells you immediately that he has a fear of commitment. He thinks he’s so desirable that every woman who meets him wants to settle down with him, so much so that it warrants a phobia. You will hate him by month two.
45. Avoid any guy you’ve dated before. You dumped him for a reason and he’s full of self loathing now that he realizes how limited his options actually are.
46. Avoid any guy who wears sunglasses inside. His perception of cool is the same today as it was in high school.
47. Avoid any guy who reminisces about the days when he did cocaine. He thinks he’s a character in a Bret Easton Ellis novel.
48. Avoid any guy you were never interested in but now could see yourself fucking. You’re drunk. (What?! That works both ways?!?)
49. Avoid any guy who tells you he wasn’t interested in dating you before but now is. He thought he was out of your league, attempted to pick up a girl he thought was more suitable, and got shot down. He’s seen too many Judd Apatow movies.
50. Avoid any guy who buys you lingerie for Christmas. He’s a selfish, shallow prick.
52. Avoid any guy you met at an office Christmas party. He’s married.
53. Seriously? There are only fifty-two weeks in a year, Carney.
Defiance.
(That’s my neice, Ali.)
It’s that time of year (again) when even the most independent of lads can get a little desperate for more companionship than one can find in the bottom of a bottle of Jameson’s Irish Whiskey. If I thought it would make any difference, I’d tell you that you should avoid becoming involved with the lasses during this season. It’s just too dangerous, and will almost certainly lead to disaster. But it wouldn’t make a difference. These winter nights are too long and too cold to avoid the urge to spend them with someone shorter and warmer.
So, instead, I offer you this guide to holiday romance.
1. Avoid any girl who has lots of overly-enthusiastic followers on tumblr. She’s an attention whore.
2. Avoid dating a girl just because she is your favorite bartender. Where are you going to drink when you want to forget her?
3. Avoid girl who tells you she she is on a cleanse. She hates herself.
4. Avoid Kirsten Dunst. She’s a walking time-bomb.
5. Avoid any girl who frequently blog about her sex life. You know how that one goes.
6. Avoid any girl who works for a Hearst magazine. She’s about to lose her job and you’ll have to pay for everything.
7. Avoid any girl who really likes girls who blog about their sex lives. She’s just too lazy to ruin your name right now. She’ll find a way later.
8. Avoid any girl who ever mentions The Box or Beatrice Inn. She has herpes and just wants your for your cocaine.
9. Avoid any beautiful girl who wears ugly glasses. She thinks she’s in a romantic comedy for teens.
10. Avoid any girl who follows you on twitter. She’s already stalking you.
11. Avoid any girl who smells too nice all the time. There’s something strange happening.
12. Avoid any girl who smokes heavier cigarettes than you. You’re already her bitch.
13. Avoid any girl who is a DJ. She’ll make you listen to her terrible music.
14. Avoid any girl who didn’t like “Once.” She’s dead inside.
15. Avoid girls whose clothes are all retro, period costumes. Just trust me on this.
16. Avoid ballerinas. She’s too flexible and you’ll just wind up hurting yourself.
17. Avoid any girl with more tattoos than you. She’ll never respect you.
18. Avoid any girl who is still angry because her last boyfriend cheated on her. You’ll cheat on her too.
19. Avoid any girl who lives within two blocks of you. It’s too soon for that kind of proximity.
20. Avoid any girl you meet in the basement of Lit. That’s also Kirstin Dunst and she’s high as a kite.
21. Avoid any girl with tattoos in Chinese. Unless, of course, she’s from China.
22. Avoid any girl who drives in NYC. She’s already proven she’s a nutcase.
23. Avoid any girl you meet in the bar where you and your friends are watching a game. She thinks she’s figured out guys. She hasn’t. She’ll fuck everything up all the while thinking she’s very clever about men.
24. Avoid any girl who wears jewelry given to her by her ex-boyfriend on your first date. She is still in love with him, and only him, and will still be wondering why no-one else ever gives her anything nice when she’s living with six cats and getting her meals on wheels.
25. Avoid any girl who tells you she hates her ex-boyfriend. She hates herself.
26. Avoid any girl with a bad haircut. She spends enormous amounts of time and money on her hair and if it is still fucked, she’s incurable.
27. Avoid any girl with poor hygiene or too much hair where too much hair doesn’t belong on women. If you ever attempt to help her out on this score, she’ll hate you for it. And then she’ll take all your advice and look great for the next guy she sleeps with.
28. Avoid any girl who is “microfamous.” Her name is Julia Allison and you’ll end up on Gawker.
29. Avoid any girl who has done speed dating, match.com or j-date. She’s got commitment issues, and since you’re an emotionally unavailable alcoholic, neither of you will ever call each other.
30. Avoid any girl on anti-psychotics. She’ll go off her meds one day and plant a corkscrew in your ribcage.
31. Avoid any girl who has dated a website founder. That’s also Julia Allison and you’ll end up on Gawker.
32. Avoid any girl who has rules or tests for men she dates. She should be on anti-psychotics.
33. Avoid any girl who doesn’t drink. Do I need to say anything else here?
34. Avoid any girl who is really, really into tanning. You’ll end up on Hot Girls and Douchebags.
35. Avoid any girl who won’t make out with you in a taxi. She lacks a properly functioning sexual instinct.
36. Avoid any girl whose best friend just got dumped by her boyfriend. Together they are a committee of manhaters and you are the next target for hate.
37. Avoid any girl who tells you she thinks she feels a spark between the two of you. Her mind is trapped in a Sweet Valley High novel.
38. Avoid any girl who talks about her father on her first date. She’ll demand you spend the night at her place but will only want to cuddle.
39. Avoid any girl who won’t kiss you if your breath smells like whiskey. She has oral-purity issues that are undesirable.
40. Avoid any girl who wants to monopolize your time on New Year’s Eve. The night is too wrought with emotions and memories. Spend time with as many different people as possible or else stay home and alternate heroin and absinthe until you pass out at twenty till midnight. Also, she’s probably on ritalin and won’t share it.
41. Avoid any girl who won’t wear a skirt in winter. The winter is too long as it is without having to do without legs. You’ll end up in the stairwell of a Christmas party making out with a girl in skirt.
42. Avoid any girl who cries when she’s drunk. Her self-pity will destroy you.
43. Avoid any girl who you think looks even hotter when she is miserable. You will destroy each other.
44. Avoid any girl who tries to come off as more emotionally unavailable and cavalier about relationships than you are. She’s secretly a tightly wound bundle of need.
45. Avoid any girl you’ve dated before. Pace Friedrich, if the first time is tragedy, the second time will just be worse.
46. Avoid any girl in a headband. She’s a slave to fashion and will try to make you use expensive hair-products.
47. Avoid any girl you meet at Cocaine Anonymous. She won’t do drugs with you.
48. Avoid any girl who you never found attractive before but suddenly looks hot. You’re drunk.
49. Avoid any girl who tells you she wasn’t interested in you when you first met but has now developed feelings for you. She’s just been dumped and is desperate.
50. Avoid any girl who buys you shoes for Christmas. You will return them for ones you like and she’ll hate you forever.
52. Avoid any girl you meet at an office party. She is your boss’s wife and wants to hurt him.
53. Avoid any girl who knows the names of all the bartenders in more than four bars. She’s out of your league.
54. Avoid any girl you meet near the Conde Nast building. She’s writing a book and you are going to be in it if you don’t watch out.
Bonus Round: Avoid any girl who tells you that you are emotionally unavailable. She’s got your number.
[Apologies to the obvious candidates. You know who you are.]
